Mental Health Challenge-Day21

Mental Health Challenge Day 21- What are you good at?

When you live with a mental illness it is very easy to list the thing  that you are not good at rather than the things you excel in. When I was going to counseling I was often given homework to do and one of my assignments was to list the things that I was good at. This was so that I could physically see that I was not what my mind kept telling me I was and that was a failure. Now, 2 years from when I completed the assignment the first time, I will list the things that I know that I am good at.

1. I am a hard worker. Though I have had problems at the places where I have been employed no one can say that I was not good at what I did. I take on my roles and I do my best to fulfill it as well as excel. I would begin to believe that it was always something that I did wrong to bring chaos to the office but I refuse to let anyone make me feel like I’m a disappointment when they are just insecure because they feel threatened by me.

2. I have mentioned this to you before but I pride myself on my loyalty. I have learned many lessons when it comes to friendships and relationships nd my loyalty to many has come to amend. For those who are still standing with me, for those I consider friends and family, they know they can count on me for anything just like I can count on them. I’m sure that I am not done learning lessons on relationships but I am content now for the most part.

3. I like to think that I am good at solving problems (problems that at not my own of course) When someone is in a bind or looking for an answer I like yo give myself credit for being able to provide a reasonable direction in guidance to them. I’m not saying that I have all the answers to everything but I do think that when I am on the outside looking in that I think things through and logically.

So now it’s your turn. Find a piece of paper and a pencil and list at least 3 things that you at good at. Do not feel like you are giving yourself too much credit. You deserve recognition for the positive things that you do and you should learn to embrace that within yourself.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 20

Mental Health Challenge Day 20- What words would you give to someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness?

Not a lot of people know what we deal with when it comes to living with a mental illness. They don’t understand how easy it is to become anxious, the sleepless nights, the feeling of worthlessness… No one but other people who actually live with the illnesses themselves. For me personally, I lived with the symptoms of my illness for so long before I even know what a mental illness was and as I have said many times, my diagnosis was an explanation for my behavior. For someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness they may not be able to embrace the relief as I did and the first thing that they may become paranoid about is the stigma placed on mental illness. Come on, mental illness isn’t really brought to the light unless it’s about how someone suffering from it has either killed themselves or done something negative. I don’t think that we (mental illness patients) really know how much of an impact we could have on our society of we banned together.

“You are not alone so don’t fight this battle by yourself.”

One of the reasons I became so comfortable with my illness to the point where I wanted to actually take the initiative to not only speak on it but reach out to others is because I realized that I am not alone. Statistics show that 1 in every 4individuals suffer from a mental illness. So that means if you hang with a group of 8 at least of two of them are suffering silently and you don’t even know it… Or you may be one of the two and feel like no one in  your circle can relate to what you are going through. Opening up about this to your friends and family isn’t going to be the easiest thing. They’re going to want to know who, what, where, when and why and you will not have answers to give to them and it’s going to become so overwhelming to the point where you are going to wish that you never said anything in the first place. That is what we are trying to avoid. Last night I went and researched for organizations in my local area who can offer help for those suffering from mental illness. I got names from non profit organizations who will assist individuals free to charge to those who have many letters behind their name and accept cash, credit cards and any insurance ever created. Help is out there and there is nothing wrong with asking for it! That’s why people go to school and major in psychology and become specialist so that people do not have to feel helpless.

“What makes you feel like your illness is different from what any other sick individual is dealing with?”

No one who lives with a mental illness asked for it. No one woke up and decided “You know what, from now on I’m going to be depressed and suffer from bipolar disorder”. So I ask you again, what makes you feel like your illness is different from what any other sick individual is dealing with? If you had a cold, fever or a rash you couldn’t identify you would go seek help from your local physician… SAME THING APPLIES HERE! Regardless of what you mind is telling you, suffering isn’t anything that anyone deserves to have to deal with on a daily basis. Do not feel ashamed of having to see someone on a weekly basis or even if you are placed on medication to help you through your recovery. Taking care of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, it will take some time to get used to it all. It’s all going to be so new and overwhelming, so much so to the point where you even may reconsider participating. You cannot give up. Like anybody else who is sick, you have to fight. People living with a mental illness can die from their disease. It’s called suicide and no one ever benefits from suicide, I know that for a fact. Seeking help and taking care of yourself will help you walk down that road to recover.

We often times say that we want to be alone but no one really wants to be alone. How can we live in this world without anybody to lean on and have that constant feeling of emptiness within us? It’s not healthy and neither is ignoring your mental illness. By speaking up about mental health you have no idea who you may be saving. Do not be scared of your diagnosis, embrace it and fight.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 19

Mental Health Challenge day 19- What helps you cope?

Living every single day is hard enough without having to go to school, work or being any where else you may be obligated to be. Waking up is enough so the fact that we (mental illness patients) are even expected to do things is asking A LOT! On a good day we may have the chance to do something that we enjoy without having to worry about any consequences, repercussions or anything that would ignite any type of anxiety within us. For me, a day like that would be full of TELEVISION!

For as long as I can remember I have always loved to watch television. There are some days where they may not be a program on that I want to see but that’s why God blessed us with not only DVDs but Television shows on DVD! Don’t ask me why but it’s an outlet that I can get lost in for days! Once I’m introduced to a television show that I like I dive into it. I want to see every episode all at once and I need to see it NOW! The most recent show that I have found myself getting lost into is Criminal Minds. It’s been on forever so there’s a lot that I have missed but reruns are my best friend!

Now why television? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Maybe because in 80% of what we watch on TV there is always a happy ending. There are always people who have problems that seem to get solved and in the end they have no worries. If only life were like television. I’m not going to lie, television has me paranoid as crap! Yeah, watching Criminal Minds is cool but because I watch Criminal Minds I make sure to lock my front door, back door, garage door, the fence, the screen door, both patio doors and sleep with a baseball bat next to my bed! (Psychos can be real! We see it in the news!) I get angry when I don’t get to watch TV. For instance, living at home is a bit of a bear on my television schedule because my parents and I have very different opinions on what is entertaining. While I don’t knock what they watch I’m pretty comfortable with schedule that I set for myself every night. When someone comes in wants to change the channel or start dogging out what I’m watching I get upset and offended. While we all have our own thing I don’t think that it’s necessary for someone to be disrespectful of what my preference is. While some may be thinking “It’s only TV, don’t take it too seriously.” Television is my outlet so yes, I do take it seriously. Others have their own habits and the things that they do to obtain peace of mind. I don’t necessarily find it necessary to chase a small ball around a big field of grass but do you see me disrespecting Tiger Woods and his golf buddies?

I could go on and on about TV but I’m sure you get the idea. The fact that I am able to get lost into another world for the amount of time that the program is on is a great break from reality. Yes I do know that the things that happen on TV are not real (even on some of these “reality” shows that are on now) but that’s why I enjoy it so much. To me, any world other than the one that I live in is a good one.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 18

Mental Health Challenge Day 18- 5 Random facts about you

I know it’s not the 18th of the month but this is the 18th day of the mental health challenge that I have created so I’m going to pick up where I left off.

When I was in the hospital last year we were required to go to different groups. I hate group anything, I’d rather work on things one on one. I’ve always been that type of person. In one group we didn’t sit in a circle and talk about our feelings but we did an exercise that made us think of the things that we enjoy. As much as I hate groups this one was a good one. It was probably the only time I smiled while in the hospital. What we were asked to do was to write down 5 random facts about ourselves on small pieces of paper and then the person who was facilitating the group pulled out a fact and we had to guess who it belonged to. It was a good way to get to know everybody and allowed us to talk about the things that make us happy. So here are my 5 random facts:

1. My favorite food are hot dogs. I know that seems a bit silly but I absolutely love hot dogs! I could go to a 5 star restaurant and if they serve a hot dog, I’m getting it. I love hot dog stands were you can create your own hot dog but my all time favorite is a chicken hot dog with chili, sauerkraut and shredded cheese… YUM!!! A few years ago I decided that I was going to stop eating meat and I did a really good job. I went the holidays and made it all the way until spring. It wasn’t until Steak n Shake started serving hot dogs that I jumped off the vegetarian wagon and devoured a hot dog… Sad, I know but it was awesome sauce!

2. My favorite color is PINK! I have mentioned this fact in the about me section of my blog and considering the theme of the blog I’m sure that this one wasn’t hard to figure out. I love pink so much it’s all over my desktop…

  See!!!

 

3. I was born and raised in the south but I am a Baltimore Ravens fan. I wasn’t much into football until I became and adult and I refused to jump on anybody’s bandwagon when I opted to pick a favorite team. I love a team with a ruthless defense so Ray Lew and his boys were my top pick! Even though Ray has retired I’m not going anywhere. My father has been a Steelers fan ever since I can remember so the father daughter rivalry gets real during football season.

4. I am a tap dancer. I started dancing when I was 8 doing tap, jazz and ballet. I was good at dancing but tap dancing came so natural to me. I pushed and pushed myself to become the best at tap dancing and even studied up on famous tap dancers like Savion Glover, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Gregory Hines and even the R&B singer Mya. I still have my tap shoes and when I get frustrated I lace them up and leave my worries on the floor.

5. I love Winnie the Pooh!!! Yes, I am a grown woman who is almost 30 but I love Pooh! I have so many things with the willy nilly silly old bear on it! Coffee mugs, blankets, make up cases, stuffed animals, t shirts… You name it, I have it. When I was in high school we had a day during homecoming week where we had to dress up as someone famous. I got a red shirt and dyed a pair of sweat pants gold. They were the perfect shade of gold too! I bought a pair of Winnie the Pooh ears from Disney and I threw on my Winnie the Pooh slippers and went as my favorite cartoon character. It was probably the best day ever!

 

I hope that you are able to take the time to write down your 5 random facts about yourself so that you allow yourself to be happy and enjoy something for just a moment. If you want, write down more than 5 facts. Keep this close and whenever you feel yourself becoming anxious or that you don’t know where to turn take a look at what you wrote to bring you peace.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 17

Mental Health Challenge Day 17- What do you wish people understood about you?

The feelings of fear, self doubt, sensitivity, and hopelessness are just a few emotions that I know I deal with on a daily basis. I know I always keep my guard up because I’m afraid of getting hurt but on the flip side I know that when my guard is down I tend to over exert myself to the point where I’m vulnerable to any and everyone. I am one big confusion and a lot of people would rather avoid me that learn how to “deal with me” (I absolutely hate that) With every emotion I show and the way I attempt to balance myself the one thing that I wish people would understand about me is that despite it all my intentions are nothing but good.

I don’t always make the best decisions but I never know that until after the fact. I may go into something with hopes that it ends well and it can totally backfire. Some times I do things that are best for me that others do not totally fare  with. Now, I know you’re probably thinking “Well duh dummy, that’s life!” MY POINT EXACTLY!

From my perspective, even though these things are a normal part of life I feel like these are the things that are held against me. I am not one to judge and the things people do are their problems (until they get me involved in the mess but that’s a whole other blog right there!) I give people the benefit ignore doubt that they are putting their best foot forward until I have a reason not to. For me, it seems like I never get that benefit and that I need to be the best version of me at all times because if I’m the opposite it’s a wrap. Let’s talk about a person I referred to a few posts back… This person and I were friends until I made a decision that she did not agree with. Rather than asking me why I made the decision I made she found it necessary to call me stupid and talk about me to mutual friends knowing that I would find out. She felt she had done no wrong. Now the decision I made was based on my mental health, lack of support and the fact that I was losing my job but she did not even think to ask. I stand behind the decision I made because it was the best decision for me. When I made the decision I made it in the best interest for me and those who would be directly affected. I came admit that since then I became distant and less… Willing, I guess you could say. I stopped putting in effort when it came honour friendship and decided that if she could not see that I was just doing what was best to the point where she would be deliberately disrespectful than she was not worth the extra effort.

Nobody is the same. People are going to become doctors we think they should be lawyers, some will vote republican and others democrat. Regardless of what they decide I believe that we all have good intentions when it comes to their expectations of the end result.

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good… Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.”

Mental Health Challenge- Day 15 & 16

I am so sorry about my late post of day 15& 16 of the Mental Health Challenge. I’ve been getting used to working again after not working for a while. It’s a struggle but I am sure I’ll get back in the groove. The topics that I have for days 16 & 17 kind of go hand and hand so I think I’ll post them both in the same entry.

Mental Health Challenge Day 15- How did your friends/family react when you informed them of your mental illness?

When I was first diagnosed as depressed (about 4 years ago) I did not come out and tell my family. I did not want them to think of it as more than what it actually was. Truth be told, I had no idea what I was dealing with and little did I know that the way I felt my family would react to me being diagnosed was the complete opposite. After a few months of being on anti depressants I finally told my mother and the only concern that she had was how my behavior would be affected by the medication I was on. She didn’t want me taking any medication.

*Let me pause right here for a minute to let you all in on a bit of information. I have other family members that have been diagnosed with other mental illnesses. Even though I did not know how much of an affect my illness would eventually have over me I did always know that 1. Mental Illness was genetic and 2. That there was always something wrong with me. My freshman year of college I told my parents that I wanted to go visit a psychiatrist but I was informed that nothing was wrong with me and that I was just lazy. So for my mother to not want me to be on any medication made me feel like she was ashamed. She did not want me to act or become like my other family members who were dealing with their illnesses. I guess she felt like it would be something I would grow out of.*

Knowing that my mother didn’t want me on the medication I went to therapy. Like my mother I felt like my depression would be something that I would eventually overcome. I felt like depression was more of an adjective to describe how my life was going at the time and that once things turned around for me the depression would go away. Yeah, I was so wrong about that. While I did feel better after a while the depression did not “go away” like I thought it would. It took me dealing with some real life grown up stuff to realize that my emotion stability was very weak and that I could not ignore it any more. It wasn’t until after I attempted suicide that I felt like my family would really acknowledge the fact that I wasn’t lazy like they always called me but that I was sick. With my permission my doctors and counselors called and spoke to my family while I was in the hospital and informed them of what was wrong with me and what I was going to need in order to recover. I knew that this would be necessary because my family never took me seriously the times I went to try to explain this to them in the past. I felt like if they heard it from someone else with credibility they would help me and become a bit more gentle. During my time in the hospital my mother did tell me that she listened to what they had to say and that she would be able to help me once I got out. Even when I made the decision to move back home we were both looking forward to it. She was happy that she would be able to keep an eye on me and help me and I felt like this would be a new beginning and that I could finally get what I needed to begin recovery.

Guess who was wrong AGAIN! *raises hand* Yours truly. This leads me into the topic for day 16…

Mental Health Challenge Day 16- What can the people around you do to make living with your illness easier?

Before I even had the chance to move back home I knew that it wasn’t going to work. Remember my post a while back when I mentioned that my mother made me go on a trip with a relative I don’t too much care for? It was then that I realized that my mother wrote off everything that she was told while I was in the hospital. Even though I was using the exercises that I had learned in the hospital I was told that I was being too sensitive, I just needed to suck it up, I was acting extremely ungrateful and my (all time favorite) that I needed to get back on my medication. At one point I came out and told her that I wasn’t going to talk to her any more because she doesn’t listen to me and her response was “Okay that’s fine” As much as I would like to say that I would appreciate the patience of my family and that I would like for them to become more aware of the things that they say and do I know it’s not going to happen. I mean, if me trying to kill myself didn’t make them stop and think “Hey, let’s really try to figure out a way to get Jennifer better” than I’m not sure what else is going to make them take my illness seriously. Demeaning me is something they feel I should have to deal with considering what they do for me. That’s another thing, I don’t ask anyone for anything that I do not absolutely need. Why? Because they always hold it over my head. Like living here. If it were up to me, I’d live in my car and figure it out on my own because I know that I have to deal with what ever criticism or ridicule that they throw my way. It’s funny… My sister wants to achieve success so that she can take care of my parents the way they took care of her. A gesture of gratitude. Me, on the other hand, wants to achieve success so that I can pay my parents back for raising me. I’ve always felt like they did the things that they did because they felt like they had to so if I can make enough so that I can pay them back for every outfit, dance class, field trip, ANYTHING… I could alleviate the majority of my stress since I will no longer have to put up with the ridicule that I am always on the reciprocating end of.  

 

Mental Health Challenge- Day 14

Mental Health Challenge Day 14- What happens to you when you feel like your illness is taking over.

We all have different reactions to different things and how we react when our illness consumes us is no different. For me, I have a simple solution. I shut down.

I always feel like I’m a burden to others. I always fee like I never say or do the right things so I feel like removing myself from the situation is the best solution. Unfortunately people take that as me being rude, that I have an attitude. As much as I understand how others may feel that way I never feel like I need to explain myself because they don’t care. The few times that I did try I always felt like it as a waste of time because the person I would be speaking to felt like I was making an excuse. My illness is not an excuse. It’s an explanation that I feel no one wants to accept.

I haven’t thought of any other ways on how to handle myself when I feel overwhelmed. I just retreat into my world and keep my mouth shut like I always do. I hate th at I feel when I shut down. I feel useless and worthless and wish I did not exist. I don’t know how to make this feeling go away. I feel like I’m doing others a favor but in turn I’m demeaning myself. This is one thing I wish I could get a grip on. One thing I wish I had a way to work through. As much as I want to feed you the “Hopefully over time…” explanation I don’t have much confidence in what I want working out when it comes to this.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 13

Mental Health Challenge Day 13- When were you the happiest?

Moments of happiness are few and far between with people who have a mental illness. We tend to embrace negativity and shield ourselves from anything positive that we may enjoy. We ate human so there are times where we find ourselves feeling somewhat normal because we don’t have a cloud of thoughts taking over our mind. It was hard for me to think of the time where I was the happiest but I think I figured it out.

When I met my boyfriend we never went through am awkward stage where we tried to keep our imperfections from each other. We became friends from jump and from the day exchanged phone numbers we have talked to each other every day. Our relationship is great now but those first few months when we started dating were when In was the happiest. I instantly became best friends with the man who would ultimately take my heart and I didn’t even know it… And I’m ecstatic about how things have turns out. We enjoyed the same things and wanted to do whatever we could to make the other person happy. He introduced me to my favorite television show (The Wire) and we even stated having late night dates in wal mart just walking around buying random stuff lol I was so comfortable with him in the beginning but it was never scary. Being with him made me feel like my life as okay.

Now, we are 3 years down the road. It’s been a bumpy road but it’s been worth every bump. He’s become my other half. We no longer live in the same state but I make sure I talk to him on th phone everyday and let him know, as much as I possibly can, how much I miss him nd can’t wait until we are together again. Most people would give up on a long distance relationship or find it too hard to maintain. Yeah, none of that has even popped up in our minds. We are together so we do what we ‘re supposed to in order to maintain our relationship. He really is my best friend and I can’t wait to make more Morris with him.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 11

Mental Health Challenge Day 11- When did you hit Rick bottom?

As you know about me already I attempted suicide last November. Many have asked me what happened that seas so bad where I wanted to end my own life. Here’s my rock bottom.

I had began working a job that I really enjoyed. I felt like it was an amazing opportunity so I did my best to ensure that I did my job efficiently and effectively. Unfortunately my co workers did not like me. I was the youngest person in the office and with the exception of the 2 bosses I had the most education. I hadn’t been with the organization for more than 3 months before my bosses began to expand my workload and the responsibility that I held because they knew I could handle it. I did not require months of training and people were becoming familiar with me and came straight to me with questions. For these reasons the entire office turned on me.

I was bullied, belittled and threatened by these individuals. It got so bad I had to file an official HR complaint and call the police. My boss saw all of this and even though she claimed that she wanted all of us to get along her loyalty was with the people who had been there longer. She even threatened to fire me if I did not get along with these people. How can you make people like you when they already have it made up they don’t want to? Exactly!

This was not the first time that I have been targeted by my colleagues. I held positions with other organizations where my work ethic had exceeded expectations but I was not wanted by my co workers. Why was I always made out to be the bad guy when all I did was follow the rules and do my job? It didn’t make sense. I woke up November 25, 2013 in tears because I did not want to have to deal with the people at my job. I was tired of being ignored, I was tired of them trashing my things, I was just tired. I had anxiety attacks on a daily basis and did not want to go through it but I had to work. I called my mother and spoke to her about it and when she said “I just don’t know what to tell you anymore.” I knew that enough was enough.

I was tired of being made out to be the bad guy. I was tired of having to show everybody respect when all they wanted was to treat me like trash. I was tired of being me. I swallowed a bottle of Canada and sent my boyfriend a text that said “I just swallowed a bunch of pills. I’m not going to work.” The rest of that day was a complete black out but I woke up being told I was being sent to a psych ward.

My mentality now is different. I refuse to let people who amount to nothing make me feel like them. I know that it’s not right to think that you’re better than people but I can say that I am better than anyone who has ever demeaned me. You don’t make someone feel like they are worthless just because you’re insecure and that’s all these people have done. I know who I am and what I am capable of and if you want to cut me at the knees because you feel threatened just speaks on your character. I am a true believer in karma so I  know God will provide a punishment more harsh than anything I can serve to these people (He’s actually started giving those lessons to some) so what do I plan to do on my end? I plan on continuing to loss these people off. God is not finished with me and I know that some of our paths may cross again at some point. So rather than me cussing these people out or doing something that I know can hurt them, I am going to live my life to the fullest so that the hate they have for me consumes them so much they will be sorry they ever met me 🙂

Mental Health Challenge- Day 9

Mental Health Challenge Day 9- Use one word to describe you

Mental Health patients do not think very much of themselves (with the exception of Dr. Sheldon Cooper lol). We know that deep down inside that we have genuine intentions. We know that we are good people and though we do not acknowledge the good qualities we know that they are there. As for me, I have one quality that I do value about myself regardless of the mood that I am in… And that is loyalty.

Maybe it’s the Leo in me but I find myself protecting those that are dear to me with all I have. Friends become family to me. I go above and beyond for the ones who I feel are worth the extra time. When it comes to buying them gifts I put extra thought into them so that they receive something from me that they would treasure rather than get rid of after a year or two. I’ll cook homemade meals from scratch rather than warming up chicken nuggets and French fries in the oven. It’s just what I do.

Do not get me wrong. I do a lot for the people I love but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t come back to bite me in the ass. Want an example? A person who I considered a dear friend was expecting a baby so I took it upon myself to learn a new crochet blanket pattern and to teach myself how to crochet hats and booties so that I could give her child something that was homemade rather than a toy that would eventually be sold at a yard sale. She loved it. Later on down the road I made a decision that she did not agree with and she took it upon herself to call me stupid and dumb rather than ask me the reasoning behind my decision. Needless to say that our “friendship” was never the same after that. Once I realized that those who I have stuck my neck out for do not hold me to the same standard I tend to take it personally. And that doesn’t just apply to friends. I have family members who I have washed my hands of also.

I’m not saying that it’s right but I hold a MEAN grudge! (Like the meme reads: “You name can go from ‘Bestie’ in my phone to 931-865-7513 in a second!”) I can delete the fact that I ever knew you, ignore you to the point where you would consider your own existence and make you wish that you had never pissed me off in the first place. There have been plenty of people who contact me after a while saying “I’ve always thought about you and how you were doing. You were always and amazing person…” I wouldn’t disagree with you about that. But I stopped giving out second chances a long time ago. I may not think much of myself but I do know that I am not completely worthless so for someone to think that it’s okay to treat me as if I am just lets me know that they are not worth the investment. My life is not a game or made for your entertainment.

Regardless of the many chips on my shoulders I do still have individuals who I love beyond words. I have developed true bonds with people who I know I will be close to until the very end. They know what they can expect from me and vice versa. Because I know that I love hard I tread lightly. Not everybody who I come in contact will be worthy of the loyalty that I have to offer but that does not mean that they are not worth respect. I have no reason to treat an individual like crap just off of introduction. I’m better than that. But my loyalty will never be taken for granted ever again if I have anything to do with it.