Am I Ungrateful?

The other day my step father found it necessary to have a “Come to Jesus meeting” with me.

I hate having talks like this with my parents for many reasons. The biggest one being that they don’t like to listen to anything I have to say. Despite the fact that I have been battling a mental illness forever and despite the fact that I’m 28 years old, any time I have an opinion about anything I’m told that I just need to shut up and listen sometimes. I have learned to take what they say to me in one ear and out the other because it does more harm than good and they don’t even know. They don’t even care.

I sat and listened to the “You should be more grateful for the opportunities that you have had…” and the “I know what you’re going through… I was there before…” and don’t forget about the “You’re so smart, you can do anything…”… Pretty much the generic lines that they have used since I was in high school to try to make me feel good about myself. I could engage in these conversations but that doesn’t do any good. In their eyes, as proud as they claim to be they don’t trust me to make any rational decision. The many times I have tried to speak to my parents about anything that has been going on with me I have felt like they always just do and say what they have to and that’s the end of that. Example: After I got out of the hospital I was fired from my job. That meant my insurance was going to end and eventually I would have to be without my meds. After that when I felt and anxiety attack or that something was closing in on me I would call my mother to vent and her only response would be “Why can’t you figure out a way to get back on your medication?” Not a comforting word at all. That’s when I realized that I was going to have to do this on my own. Needless to say, after this conversation I was very angry and I have done everything in my power to avoid anything like this again.

I am fully aware of the opportunities available to me. I am also aware that I am so afraid of what could happen that I have bypassed a lot of those opportunities and that is no one’s responsibility but my own. I do feel myself falling back into my routine and slowly giving up but I also know that I can’t. I feel very conflicted right now… Very.

Please Excuse My Absence

I feel like I have been very neglectful of BNAC. I think about it every single day, I have even come up with different topics that I want to touch on. I just can’t seem to find a time where I am comfortable enough to come on here and share my feelings with you all. That happens a lot with me. I tend to not want to do a lot of things because they don’t make me comfortable or make me feel the way I want to at the time. Some call it laziness. It’s just a part of my anxiety. So the reason behind my absence is the best way I can explain to you all what I deal with on a daily basis. I know that nothing bad is going to happen if I choose to come and write to you all. I know that nothing different about me is going to change regardless of if I do or do not get on here.

My mind is a scary weapon… Against me.

I know that in order for me to get past my illness I have to do things that make me uncomfortable. I know that everything will be okay in the end but to avoid anything from changing I just avoid repetitive activities at all cost. One of the things I saw while researching how to get over anxiety is that you have to remind yourself “You’ve done this before. You can do it again. Nothing bad is going to happen and you will feel good once you have completed the task.” All of that is correct. I often tell people that in order to want better you have to do better. Looks like it’s time for me to start taking my own advice. I have to stop running scared.

No New Friends

Once I made the decision to move back home I set a lot of goals and rules for myself. One of the biggest ones that I made sure would become a priority is that I do not want any more friends!

I know you may be wondering “How are you going to keep from making friends?” Oh, it’s very simple. I stay focused on the task at hand and the task at hand is doing what is best for me so that I can begin the best part of my life. When you decide to give someone access to your life as a friend it’s an entire process. You have to introduce them to you and all your quirks and you have to be introduced to them as well. At that point you will have to establish if their quirks are something that you are willing to live with so you have the decision to make of whether you want to continue building on that relationship or if you want to stop it before it goes any further. (To me, this is a bit of a problem because if you opt not to associate with that person there’s always going to be that awkwardness between you two and both of you will be looking at each other like dummies trying to find out why you couldn’t be friends… I don’t have time for that) If you opt to continue on with the relationship you will have to invest time into that person and feelings get involved (and this can be just a platonic friendship. Hey, feelings get hurt when friendships end, don’t think that’s only romantic relationships!) At some point you two are going to have to experience a bump in the road which is going to be the ultimate test of your friendship. At that point is really when you find out of you and that person are going to be able to rock together or not (hell, and even the results of that can be wrong). If you two can come out of the fire together hand in hand, fantastic. If you can’t then that’s when drama can begin. Knives can be stuck in someone’s back, toes can be stepped on and in the end it could be an all out war. See why I don’t currently have time for that in my life right now?

The last time I felt like I was ready to have both a career and an active social life it was nice for a while but the end results were no where close to being worth any of it. To that all I can say is you live and you learn. There was a point in my life where I felt like I was truly blessed. I had people surrounding me who I felt were amazing. They made me feel like I was the type of individual who was worth so much and I believed them. I believed that they were worthy of everything I ever had to offer someone who I considered a loved one and I did my best to hold up to that end of the bargain. 4 years and many many moons later I found that to be false. As I have mentioned to you before, my social circle has be drastically cut and there are a lot of reasons why I do not just place the label of ‘friend’ upon just anyone. This may be some of my PTSD talking but I refuse to go through that again. I am a human being, not a pawn in someone’s game. I still do believe that I am worth so much more than other people were willing to give to me but it’s okay because there are the few out there who are wiling to go the extra mile for me, willing to walk with me through the fire and love me for who I am.  I am content with the friends that I have in my life. I know where I stand with them an vice versa. I don’t have to wonder about loyalty and I’m not in the process of pretending to be something that I am not just so someone can think the best of me. The problem that I am having is that people don’t seem to understand that just because I do not want new friends doesn’t make me a total bitch… (I mean, I may be a tiny bit of one but not an entire one)

Example: Where I work I had to speak to my manager to inform her that my schedule may be changed because I had also obtained employment with another organization. Shortly after that I had co workers whose names I didn’t even know asking me about my other job *PAUSE* How the hell did you know that? So rather than going for the “Non of your business but thanks for asking” route I just gave them a simple “It’s fine”. Now… This could be interpreted many different ways. In my mind I would receive that as “Okay, that’s not something that she wants to talk about” and make a mental note that I should not bring that up again. To someone else (and by ‘someone else’ I mean the people that I work with) they took that as that I have an attitude and that I’m always angry… I really wanted to go to the person who I knew was responsible for telling everyone on the staff of this and let them know that they are not required to talk about me and what I do outside of my job. Rather than that I just brushed it off and took it as another lesson: Don’t say anything to anyone! Anyone wants to know anything about me will be sadly disappointed because I will be keeping my mouth shut from now on.

If this was something that had happened a year ago I may have felt some type of way that they felt the way that they did and I would work really hard to try to ensure to them that I’m not always angry and defensive. Even if I didn’t consider them friends or people that I would want to have in my life I would still work my hardest to try to prove something to them. Unfortunately for them this is not a year ago and the person who I am now could care less about how they feel. I go to work, I do my job (which I’m very good at), I make my money, I go home. Problems? There is nothing in my job description that says that I have to be friends with these people. Though my feelings may come off as aggressive and defensive in these words I can honestly say that I do not mistreat anyone. I don’t have an attitude with anyone, I do not mistreat people, I just don’t feel like I have to give you an open insight into my every day life. That’s not something that I feel is necessary.

I explained my mindset to my boyfriend. He laughed at me (because he knows how crazy I can be an how crazy I actually am) but he agreed with everything that I had to say. He felt like if I felt like not making any new friends was what I wanted to do then I should do what I feel. Moving back in with my parents wasn’t something that I wanted to do but now that I am here I am going to ensure that this does not have to happen again. I am focused and I am working my way back on track so that when I am able to start my life back over again I do not have any regrets. I have learned a lot in my 28 years and I can honestly say that I know better when it comes to a lot of things and I do not feel like me being cautious will cause any problems for me at this point. Oh well, no new friends!

 

Thank you!!!

I would like to thank you all for rocking with me during Mental Health Month and the entire challenge. I designed this challenge so that I would be able to have something that we (as mental illness patients) could participate in, in a way where we can see the other struggles that someone dealing with what we deal with lives their life. some of the challenges I took away from my own recovery and hoped that by completing these challenges that it would bring you not only one step closer to recovery but also one step closer in loving your true self.

Recovery is not something that is going to happen over night but it can happen. And like I have mentioned many times over, you cannot do it alone. I may not know who reads this blog or if anyone ever reads this blog but knowing that somewhere out there is an individual who is battling within themselves to find out the meaning of why they are different makes me want to continue to go on as well as expand. I hope that next year during Mental Health Month I can do much more and reach out to more people.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.

Mental Health Challenge-Day21

Mental Health Challenge Day 21- What are you good at?

When you live with a mental illness it is very easy to list the thing  that you are not good at rather than the things you excel in. When I was going to counseling I was often given homework to do and one of my assignments was to list the things that I was good at. This was so that I could physically see that I was not what my mind kept telling me I was and that was a failure. Now, 2 years from when I completed the assignment the first time, I will list the things that I know that I am good at.

1. I am a hard worker. Though I have had problems at the places where I have been employed no one can say that I was not good at what I did. I take on my roles and I do my best to fulfill it as well as excel. I would begin to believe that it was always something that I did wrong to bring chaos to the office but I refuse to let anyone make me feel like I’m a disappointment when they are just insecure because they feel threatened by me.

2. I have mentioned this to you before but I pride myself on my loyalty. I have learned many lessons when it comes to friendships and relationships nd my loyalty to many has come to amend. For those who are still standing with me, for those I consider friends and family, they know they can count on me for anything just like I can count on them. I’m sure that I am not done learning lessons on relationships but I am content now for the most part.

3. I like to think that I am good at solving problems (problems that at not my own of course) When someone is in a bind or looking for an answer I like yo give myself credit for being able to provide a reasonable direction in guidance to them. I’m not saying that I have all the answers to everything but I do think that when I am on the outside looking in that I think things through and logically.

So now it’s your turn. Find a piece of paper and a pencil and list at least 3 things that you at good at. Do not feel like you are giving yourself too much credit. You deserve recognition for the positive things that you do and you should learn to embrace that within yourself.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 20

Mental Health Challenge Day 20- What words would you give to someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness?

Not a lot of people know what we deal with when it comes to living with a mental illness. They don’t understand how easy it is to become anxious, the sleepless nights, the feeling of worthlessness… No one but other people who actually live with the illnesses themselves. For me personally, I lived with the symptoms of my illness for so long before I even know what a mental illness was and as I have said many times, my diagnosis was an explanation for my behavior. For someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness they may not be able to embrace the relief as I did and the first thing that they may become paranoid about is the stigma placed on mental illness. Come on, mental illness isn’t really brought to the light unless it’s about how someone suffering from it has either killed themselves or done something negative. I don’t think that we (mental illness patients) really know how much of an impact we could have on our society of we banned together.

“You are not alone so don’t fight this battle by yourself.”

One of the reasons I became so comfortable with my illness to the point where I wanted to actually take the initiative to not only speak on it but reach out to others is because I realized that I am not alone. Statistics show that 1 in every 4individuals suffer from a mental illness. So that means if you hang with a group of 8 at least of two of them are suffering silently and you don’t even know it… Or you may be one of the two and feel like no one in  your circle can relate to what you are going through. Opening up about this to your friends and family isn’t going to be the easiest thing. They’re going to want to know who, what, where, when and why and you will not have answers to give to them and it’s going to become so overwhelming to the point where you are going to wish that you never said anything in the first place. That is what we are trying to avoid. Last night I went and researched for organizations in my local area who can offer help for those suffering from mental illness. I got names from non profit organizations who will assist individuals free to charge to those who have many letters behind their name and accept cash, credit cards and any insurance ever created. Help is out there and there is nothing wrong with asking for it! That’s why people go to school and major in psychology and become specialist so that people do not have to feel helpless.

“What makes you feel like your illness is different from what any other sick individual is dealing with?”

No one who lives with a mental illness asked for it. No one woke up and decided “You know what, from now on I’m going to be depressed and suffer from bipolar disorder”. So I ask you again, what makes you feel like your illness is different from what any other sick individual is dealing with? If you had a cold, fever or a rash you couldn’t identify you would go seek help from your local physician… SAME THING APPLIES HERE! Regardless of what you mind is telling you, suffering isn’t anything that anyone deserves to have to deal with on a daily basis. Do not feel ashamed of having to see someone on a weekly basis or even if you are placed on medication to help you through your recovery. Taking care of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, it will take some time to get used to it all. It’s all going to be so new and overwhelming, so much so to the point where you even may reconsider participating. You cannot give up. Like anybody else who is sick, you have to fight. People living with a mental illness can die from their disease. It’s called suicide and no one ever benefits from suicide, I know that for a fact. Seeking help and taking care of yourself will help you walk down that road to recover.

We often times say that we want to be alone but no one really wants to be alone. How can we live in this world without anybody to lean on and have that constant feeling of emptiness within us? It’s not healthy and neither is ignoring your mental illness. By speaking up about mental health you have no idea who you may be saving. Do not be scared of your diagnosis, embrace it and fight.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 19

Mental Health Challenge day 19- What helps you cope?

Living every single day is hard enough without having to go to school, work or being any where else you may be obligated to be. Waking up is enough so the fact that we (mental illness patients) are even expected to do things is asking A LOT! On a good day we may have the chance to do something that we enjoy without having to worry about any consequences, repercussions or anything that would ignite any type of anxiety within us. For me, a day like that would be full of TELEVISION!

For as long as I can remember I have always loved to watch television. There are some days where they may not be a program on that I want to see but that’s why God blessed us with not only DVDs but Television shows on DVD! Don’t ask me why but it’s an outlet that I can get lost in for days! Once I’m introduced to a television show that I like I dive into it. I want to see every episode all at once and I need to see it NOW! The most recent show that I have found myself getting lost into is Criminal Minds. It’s been on forever so there’s a lot that I have missed but reruns are my best friend!

Now why television? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Maybe because in 80% of what we watch on TV there is always a happy ending. There are always people who have problems that seem to get solved and in the end they have no worries. If only life were like television. I’m not going to lie, television has me paranoid as crap! Yeah, watching Criminal Minds is cool but because I watch Criminal Minds I make sure to lock my front door, back door, garage door, the fence, the screen door, both patio doors and sleep with a baseball bat next to my bed! (Psychos can be real! We see it in the news!) I get angry when I don’t get to watch TV. For instance, living at home is a bit of a bear on my television schedule because my parents and I have very different opinions on what is entertaining. While I don’t knock what they watch I’m pretty comfortable with schedule that I set for myself every night. When someone comes in wants to change the channel or start dogging out what I’m watching I get upset and offended. While we all have our own thing I don’t think that it’s necessary for someone to be disrespectful of what my preference is. While some may be thinking “It’s only TV, don’t take it too seriously.” Television is my outlet so yes, I do take it seriously. Others have their own habits and the things that they do to obtain peace of mind. I don’t necessarily find it necessary to chase a small ball around a big field of grass but do you see me disrespecting Tiger Woods and his golf buddies?

I could go on and on about TV but I’m sure you get the idea. The fact that I am able to get lost into another world for the amount of time that the program is on is a great break from reality. Yes I do know that the things that happen on TV are not real (even on some of these “reality” shows that are on now) but that’s why I enjoy it so much. To me, any world other than the one that I live in is a good one.

Mental Health Challenge- Day 18

Mental Health Challenge Day 18- 5 Random facts about you

I know it’s not the 18th of the month but this is the 18th day of the mental health challenge that I have created so I’m going to pick up where I left off.

When I was in the hospital last year we were required to go to different groups. I hate group anything, I’d rather work on things one on one. I’ve always been that type of person. In one group we didn’t sit in a circle and talk about our feelings but we did an exercise that made us think of the things that we enjoy. As much as I hate groups this one was a good one. It was probably the only time I smiled while in the hospital. What we were asked to do was to write down 5 random facts about ourselves on small pieces of paper and then the person who was facilitating the group pulled out a fact and we had to guess who it belonged to. It was a good way to get to know everybody and allowed us to talk about the things that make us happy. So here are my 5 random facts:

1. My favorite food are hot dogs. I know that seems a bit silly but I absolutely love hot dogs! I could go to a 5 star restaurant and if they serve a hot dog, I’m getting it. I love hot dog stands were you can create your own hot dog but my all time favorite is a chicken hot dog with chili, sauerkraut and shredded cheese… YUM!!! A few years ago I decided that I was going to stop eating meat and I did a really good job. I went the holidays and made it all the way until spring. It wasn’t until Steak n Shake started serving hot dogs that I jumped off the vegetarian wagon and devoured a hot dog… Sad, I know but it was awesome sauce!

2. My favorite color is PINK! I have mentioned this fact in the about me section of my blog and considering the theme of the blog I’m sure that this one wasn’t hard to figure out. I love pink so much it’s all over my desktop…

  See!!!

 

3. I was born and raised in the south but I am a Baltimore Ravens fan. I wasn’t much into football until I became and adult and I refused to jump on anybody’s bandwagon when I opted to pick a favorite team. I love a team with a ruthless defense so Ray Lew and his boys were my top pick! Even though Ray has retired I’m not going anywhere. My father has been a Steelers fan ever since I can remember so the father daughter rivalry gets real during football season.

4. I am a tap dancer. I started dancing when I was 8 doing tap, jazz and ballet. I was good at dancing but tap dancing came so natural to me. I pushed and pushed myself to become the best at tap dancing and even studied up on famous tap dancers like Savion Glover, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Gregory Hines and even the R&B singer Mya. I still have my tap shoes and when I get frustrated I lace them up and leave my worries on the floor.

5. I love Winnie the Pooh!!! Yes, I am a grown woman who is almost 30 but I love Pooh! I have so many things with the willy nilly silly old bear on it! Coffee mugs, blankets, make up cases, stuffed animals, t shirts… You name it, I have it. When I was in high school we had a day during homecoming week where we had to dress up as someone famous. I got a red shirt and dyed a pair of sweat pants gold. They were the perfect shade of gold too! I bought a pair of Winnie the Pooh ears from Disney and I threw on my Winnie the Pooh slippers and went as my favorite cartoon character. It was probably the best day ever!

 

I hope that you are able to take the time to write down your 5 random facts about yourself so that you allow yourself to be happy and enjoy something for just a moment. If you want, write down more than 5 facts. Keep this close and whenever you feel yourself becoming anxious or that you don’t know where to turn take a look at what you wrote to bring you peace.

Vacation from a Vacation

Hey!!!

I just got back from being on a 4 day cruise to Cozumel with my family. I had a good time but it was a bit exhausting.

If you have had a chance to read previous posts of mine you know that my family plays a huge part in my stress. For some reason they do not take my illness as serious as they should and label me as being difficult rather than learning how to come to terms what with I deal with. As much as I hate that I have to chuck it up as a loss after this vacation I have come to the realization that my family is never going to be what I need them to be and I just have to accept that. While on the cruise I was able to put my thoughts into words in my journal and I just want to share a bit of them with you all.

                       …I knew that coming on this trip that I would need to be more aware of the things I say, how I react to certain situations and my attitude. I feel like I have done a good job at it but I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard. It has taken a lot out of me to not tell my family to kiss my ass or to get over themselves. I’ve been laughed at, ignored, talked to like I’m stupid… Just the same normal stuff but considering the fact that we are on vacation it would be nice to take a break from all of that too. I’ve become more used to it and the “it is what it is” mentality is really preventing me from being upset and let their behavior get to me like I used to. It has also made me realize how when you live with a mental illness you have to surround yourself with the right people…

… Since they have made it clear that this is a battle that I am going to have to fight without their support I have to do what’s best for me. … Rather than them taking the time to understand why I feel the way I do they just criticize it and write me off…

It’s funny that even during a time where I had no access to technology, no work schedule to worry about or homework/schoolwork to do I still had a very hard time relaxing. I’m not going to make it out like the trip was a total bust, I had a good time and enjoyed myself as much as I possibly could and I’m looking forward to the next time I am able to take another trip like that. Now I just know that when that opportunity does present itself I will have to make arrangements so that I can ensure that I am able to enjoy myself to the fullest extent. I’m also appreciative that I am able to be more aware of these things and that I am allowing myself to accept them and not set myself up for disappointment. That shows growth in me which is a milestone. Every little step is a step in the right direction and I am thankful every time I’m able to discover them.

 

Mental Health Challenge- Day 17

Mental Health Challenge Day 17- What do you wish people understood about you?

The feelings of fear, self doubt, sensitivity, and hopelessness are just a few emotions that I know I deal with on a daily basis. I know I always keep my guard up because I’m afraid of getting hurt but on the flip side I know that when my guard is down I tend to over exert myself to the point where I’m vulnerable to any and everyone. I am one big confusion and a lot of people would rather avoid me that learn how to “deal with me” (I absolutely hate that) With every emotion I show and the way I attempt to balance myself the one thing that I wish people would understand about me is that despite it all my intentions are nothing but good.

I don’t always make the best decisions but I never know that until after the fact. I may go into something with hopes that it ends well and it can totally backfire. Some times I do things that are best for me that others do not totally fare  with. Now, I know you’re probably thinking “Well duh dummy, that’s life!” MY POINT EXACTLY!

From my perspective, even though these things are a normal part of life I feel like these are the things that are held against me. I am not one to judge and the things people do are their problems (until they get me involved in the mess but that’s a whole other blog right there!) I give people the benefit ignore doubt that they are putting their best foot forward until I have a reason not to. For me, it seems like I never get that benefit and that I need to be the best version of me at all times because if I’m the opposite it’s a wrap. Let’s talk about a person I referred to a few posts back… This person and I were friends until I made a decision that she did not agree with. Rather than asking me why I made the decision I made she found it necessary to call me stupid and talk about me to mutual friends knowing that I would find out. She felt she had done no wrong. Now the decision I made was based on my mental health, lack of support and the fact that I was losing my job but she did not even think to ask. I stand behind the decision I made because it was the best decision for me. When I made the decision I made it in the best interest for me and those who would be directly affected. I came admit that since then I became distant and less… Willing, I guess you could say. I stopped putting in effort when it came honour friendship and decided that if she could not see that I was just doing what was best to the point where she would be deliberately disrespectful than she was not worth the extra effort.

Nobody is the same. People are going to become doctors we think they should be lawyers, some will vote republican and others democrat. Regardless of what they decide I believe that we all have good intentions when it comes to their expectations of the end result.

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good… Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.”